My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
What did we do last night that was yellow?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I think people are normalizing furries
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