just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
