I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
