All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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