I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
