Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
