My boss' voice literally gives me gas
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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