I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Randomize
