I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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