I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
