its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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