imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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