life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
