My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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