I'm pants shitting drunk right now
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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