I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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