I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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