My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
is that a dick in a sweater?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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