omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
