The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
