and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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