someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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