lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
