mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
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