just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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