Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
