One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
