yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I didn't shave. On purpose
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
