Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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