I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
