Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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