Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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