did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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