He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
