Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
