i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
