Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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