Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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