You don't have asthma, your pregnant
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Randomize
