Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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