So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
