The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
