Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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