Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
