Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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