matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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