Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
