you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
