Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
