haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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