So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
