I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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